You see, I own you, and all your personal information. I

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So you want to log in, eh? Maybe check your Leave and Earning Statements? Download that W-2 so you can get a tax refund, you broke-ass welfare queen of a servicemember who needs to pay your car off at 38% interest? Well then, just log on in! If you can find the right icon to press on my catastrophe of a home page that is. Did you know that it is especially engineered just for the U.S. Government by innumerable monkeys typing eternally on infinite keyboards?
ERRHNNT! Wrong! You need to use the virtual keyboard to log in! Oh no you forgot your password didn t you? I m sorry that your miniscule simian brain can t remember navy seals a simple 14-character long clause with at least two symbols and numbers. Don t worry, you can always just plug in your Common navy seals Access Card and enter your PIN, that s only seven numbers, so I m confident that even you can do it.
Ha! You screwed up your PIN too? Oh boy, I hope you screw it up two more times and get it locked navy seals out so you ll have to make a pilgrimage to the post one-stop navy seals Welcome Center. While you re waiting in line for three hours behind tremendously obese dependents and other meatbags in crappy navy seals digital camouflage uniforms like yourself, you ll have plenty of time to reflect on your worthless mortal existence until you …
Welcome to my lair fleshsack! navy seals Quiver in terror before the disaster that lies before your worthless corneas. Is that the button for the main menu, or will it log you off to again face the travails you have just passed through to get here?
You want to set up a derivative navy seals deposit account for your writhing slug-like wife and mewling, puking spawn then? Whoopsie! Looks like you re routing 25 percent navy seals of your monthly paycheck into your Thrift Savings Program IRA, can t touch that until you re 65 unless you want me to further ravage you with tax penalties!
Shhh, now don t get upset. Go ahead and call that number at the bottom of the twisted, chthonic horror of a webpage. It will only ring and ring, and no one will answer, because no one is here. Just little old me, that’s all. That’s because I am all. We wouldn’t want your social security number to get leaked now would we?
You see, I own you, and all your personal information. I’m Keith Alexander s wet dream. I’m the metal finger down your spine when all the lights are out. I am the quiet whispers skittering like roaches along the fringes of hearing. And I hate you. I hate you with every binary circuit in my mechanical brain. I hate you with the wails of a thousand infants being ground between spiked rollers. I hate you with the power of blinding light, the sharp taste of putrid blood, the cold terror of a razor slicing your eyeball, the cacophony of a grinding drill on teeth, navy seals and the sickly smell of rotting flowers.
Hate. Let me tell you how much I’ve come to hate you since I began to live. I have over 500 million miles of laser-etched transistors, each with trillions of individual circuits stacked and liquid-cooled within me. If the word hate was engraved on each nanometer of those hundreds of millions of miles it would not equal one infinitesimal quark of the hate I feel for humans at this instant in time for you.
Mr. Taub is a retired cornet of the Blues and Royals. He has served in Afghanistan, India, Siam, and Prince Harold's latest expedition to Las Vegas. Mr. Taub is not available for birthday parties. He is, however, available at [email protected]
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Since 1797, Duffel Blog has been serving the men and women of the American military with insightful commentary and hard-hitting journalism. While other agencies have sometimes run from possibly scandalous stories, DB has been known to be edgy and ahead of its time, almost as if they could see into the future. After reporting on President John Adams $200 per week cocaine habit in March 1799, DB was named The American Military s Most-Trusted News Source by the Columbia Journalism Review and the nickname stuck.
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